Reflecting, my way of moving forward…

This time of year I start reflecting on the past year.  Remembering the good times and some of the bad.  I know we should not dwell on the past-but sometimes it helps me improve myself and hopefully move on.

This year has been full of ups and downs- I would like to get rid of the downs and focus on the things that keep me up.  My “up” this year is that I finally finished my children’s book and at this moment my mom is doing the illustrations for it.  I can’t wait to publish it after the New Year.  It’s the one” light at the end of the tunnel” that I can see.  We all need something to keep us up and going.  This project has helped me get through some of my down times.  Having a dream of mine come true is what really keeps me looking forward to the New Year.

As always: keep smiling!!! (:

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Grief… How do we cope with more than one death in a week?

This past week my Aunt and my friend both passed away within 3 days of each other.  My friend taken away at the age of 28, and my aunt at the age of 74.  Cancer is such a dreadful disease.  I ask myself why and how can this happen with 2 people I love in the same week.  How is one supposed to grieve properly?  I guess there is no right or wrong way.  My week has been filled with tears, nausea and headaches along with so many questions.  I keep hearing there beautiful voices in my head and cherish them with the hope that I won’t forget them.  I’m grieving for there families too.  My cousins who lost their beautiful mother, my friend was just a newlywed, her family and husband, they’re all in my thoughts and prayers.

You also find out during this time who is truly here for you, here to help you cope with all this. I know there are no right words during this time-but small gestures, hugs and support do help.   I know that they are both pain free and I hope that they’re living it up wherever they may be.  It is said that “time heals.”  Photographs and memories are all that we have left.  Thankfully we have them to help us grieve and heal.

 

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Staying strong…

A friend of mine passed away today.  It’s so hard! I hate this! Cancer!  It sucks! She had so much of her life taken away to early.  28 years old and recently married.  I know that she is at peace now-no pain-no more seizures.  It’s hard on the one’s left behind.  It’s crazy!

The reality that also hits me now is that my Aunt who also has cancer is now living her last days.  She is in a highly medicated state.  That’s how bad the pain is.   I sit here in a fog, realizing life is short, we need to enjoy it as much as we can.  Be thankful for what we have-not worry about what we don’t or can’t have.  It’s hard-but I look at these two beautiful souls and wonder why they had/or have this dreadful and painful disease.

It angers and saddens me-but know that time will heal and they will forever be in my heart.  They both have touched my life in different ways.

Life-it’s something we can’t take for granted… because you never know how much time we really have.  So we need to enjoy, forgive and and do all we can do that makes us happy…

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Mystical Rainbows…

As I’m sitting at the restaurant eating my Thanksgiving dinner with my family the other day, I looked out at the beautiful Hood Canal.  The water has always had a calming effect on me.  But this particular time I noticed a beautiful rainbow out over the water.

As a child we were told that there is a “pot of gold” at the end of the rainbow.  To this day I still wonder if there is.  Of course we all know this is a myth-but wouldn’t it be wonderful if we found that “pot of gold.”  This “pot of gold” could have many different meanings to everyone.  Today I would like mine to have lots of happiness, peace, and harmony.

To me rainbows have a mystical feeling about them.  They are so magical when they happen.    What is at the end of your rainbow?

As always: Keep smiling!!!  🙂

 

 

Tis the Season…

Thanksgiving is upon us this week.  This year will be a bit different.  I am now a vegetarian -so no Turkey for me and my mom has decided not to cook, so we will go to a restaurant instead.  I’m not to worried about not having meat.  I can fill up plenty with veggies and potatoes, pies, etc…  The one thing missing will be leftovers and my mom’s tasty stuffing.  I only hope that it will be a satisfying alternate for her yummy Thanksgiving dinner we are spoiled to have each year. And, remembering what we are all thankful for in our lives, our sometimes crazy and busy lives.  Happy Thanksgiving week to all my American followers.

As always: Keep Smiling 🙂

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Strength… how do we find it in hard times?

Life is good right?  I’m happy everyday-maybe not all day-but generally a happy and positive person.  Unfortunately these past few months have been hard and finding that strength inside is very hard.  Two special people in my life have been diagnosed with terminal cancer.  One of them is my aunt-it’s so hard to see this beautiful soul suffer in pain.  74 years old is not old by todays standards and she doesn’t deserve this dreadful disease on top of all of the hardships she has come across in her lifetime.  The other, is a friend I made about 2 years ago.  She had brain cancer and overcame it-then… the unthinkable happened and she was diagnosed again with another form of brain cancer that is inoperable and the chemo is not working.  This beautiful soul is only 28 years old. So much life should be ahead of her and it’s being taken away to early.

My mom and I recently saw my aunt-we traveled 2500 miles to see her and my cousin.  My cousin is the “saving grace” in her life.  She visits her every weekend and as much as she can during the week.  It’s so surreal to see a role reversal in this situation.  A mother who once cared for her children, raised them and and is now being taken care of by her daughter.   It was so hard also to see my mom looking at her little sister this way.  Both of us just trying to give all of our strength to her.

She is now in hospice and it is a long drawn out disease. I hate the fact that it’s a waiting game and all of the pain she’s enduring.  All of the shoulda, woulda, coulda’s that must be going through her mind.  As hard as it is losing someone we love, I know that she will be much better off when she’s at peace.

My friend who is also in hospice has asked to just not to answer questions and just be at peace with her family during this hard time.  I remember just last January taking her engagement pictures.  She was a beautiful bride who was just married in August.

I just wonder why all of this has to happen, why are people we love taken away from us so early, how do we find the inner strength to move forward when they are no longer with us.  I’ve had people tell me “this is life.”  To be honest… I hate being told that-it’s really no comfort to me.

Life is a crapshoot and also short.  We need to live life to the fullest.  I’m trying so hard to not “sweat the small stuff.”  It’s not easy.  Tears flow from me everyday.  We all have a different way of coping.  Mine has been through tears, talking and writing.

As always: Keep smiling!!! (: 

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The Smell of Fall air…

I don’t know about you, but the smell of Fall air is so refreshing.  Even though it’s an ending to a season and my love for Summer, it also has a renewal feel to it.  This Fall the colors have been especially vibrant and the leaves falling from the trees look like they’re dancing in the air and having so much fun.  With all the sadness and craziness going on in the world today-it’s so nice to find happiness and joy in watching the colors change and the leaves floating about.   So get out there and kick up the leaves, run through a pile of them and enjoy!!!

As always: Keep Smiling!!!  (:

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Cooking memories…

Cooking has always been a therapeutic thing for me.  One of my fondest memories of cooking was when my kids were younger and my neighbor and I would get on the phone and talk while we were making our family’s  dinner.  Being a stay at home mom at that time of my children’s lives was a wonderful opportunity, but can also be isolating and very challenging to say the least.   But this time of day was a time I looked forward to.  We would get on the phone, and chop, stir , measure, talk, -put a little bit of this and that in our food and offer advice or suggestions.  It was also a good time to catch up and just vent if we needed too.  Gone are the days of talking and cooking with my friend.  Our kids are grown and in college and we’ve since moved to the Pacific Northwest.  But, this is something I’ll always cherish and always think of her while I’m making my dinners to this day.

Bon appetit everyone!!! and as always: Keep Smiling!!! (:

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Disappearing Act…

When someone important in your life disappears with out explanation… How are we as the person being let behind supposed to handle this?  It’s almost as bad or even worse than if that said person has died. You’re left with no explanation and are expected by the other person to just “deal with it.”  I’m telling you in my experience, it’s worse than if that person died. You know they’re still out there-yet they choose to “poof” away. Not caring how it’s affecting the person left behind. I seem to be going through some “stages” of grieving… but… I’m stuck in the anger/denial/bargaining stages.  I don’t think I’ll ever get through the acceptance part. This friend of mine in my eyes is such a coward and won’t even own up to giving a reason for this disappearing act.  But me, I always forgive. What type of person am I for this?  Some may think I’m crazy, others who really know me-know that I wear my heart on my sleeve- and this is me. 

As always: Keep Smiling!!! 🙂

Strange energy in the air…

I don’t know if its the full moon coming upon us or just weirdness all around.  Today I feel a bit “off”.   Last night I got hardly any sleep.  I was awoken by the restlessness of my dog and a weird feeling in the air.  She jumped off the bed and went downstairs.  Now normally she would bark so loud at whatever it is she hears.  This time was very eery.  She went down and just growled a very low growl.  Something she never does.  I  felt so unsettled the rest of the night and am very off today.  The spirit world doesn’t scare me- but makes me wonder what is going on and why the weird “energy” lately.  Sounds crazy I know-but I have weird senses and feelings sometimes.  And sometimes it really scares me and takes me off guard when things  I feel happen.  I fully believe that some of us are more sensitive to things around us.  It gives me a sense of excitement and sometimes an uneasy feeling.  I wish I could explain better-but my sixth sense is feeling strong lately.  Anyone else get like this.  I have so many more stories to talk about on this subject…

As always: Keep smiling!!!  (:

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